From denial to acceptance: Day 1-30 of physical distancing
InsideToday marks my 30th day of physical distancing – a new way of life I never thought we would be forced to experience. This whole thing feels bizarre and although my mind can’t grasp what is happening, I feel surprisingly calm. But this wasn’t always the case.
Days 1-10
For the first time my daily routine that was filled with coaching, facilitating workshops, socializing, exercising, dancing and so on – was just an empty calendar. 30 small boxes staring back at me with nothing to fill them with except for time. My mind races between wondering if this whole thing is real to trying to work out how long it will last.
At the moment my daily routine consists of:
- Waking up to the updates of the pandemic in the media.
- Showing up to my daily coffee meeting with my mom on the balcony and then having breakfast.
- Zoning out from reality on my couch by binging on Netflix and endless scrolling of everything from mindful quotes to memes on toilet paper hoarding.
- Eating my feelings and boredom away snack by snack.
- Checking updates before going to sleep and hoping that this nightmare will be over when I wake up.
- Play and repeat.
I started receiving notifications that my workshops are canceled until the end of April. My heart sank, I took a deep breath and gulped back the tears. I said to myself “Salma, do not panic. This is not the time to panic. You will figure this out. You always have”. Great! My superwoman syndrome is starting to kick in! Or at least that’s what I had originally thought…
As each day goes by, I’m losing touch with my old friends calm and collected and starting to hang around more with the new kids on the block of numbness, discomfort and denial.
What started off as a bad Sci-Fi movie is now turning into our reality, but when will this all stop? When will we go back to normal? Will we ever go back?
Day 11ish–18ish: Stage, what the actual f$%k? Denial to shock
Work is canceled until further notice and lockdown and physical distancing have been extended. Okay, this is now turning into a nightmare. I’m starting to really crave human interactions and for my life to go back to normal. I thought that adding online hangouts to my routine would preserve my sanity and positivity. But that hasn’t reduced my turmoil. How will I survive? What will happen to my livelihood…my business?
I’m over here having my internal breakdown, spiralling around and around about what might happen, filled with disorientation, but some people seem to have figured it out. They have packed schedules and preach “this is the time for us to be productive and creatively respond to this crisis”.
I start to doubt myself and my ability to persevere. In creeps self-blame, guilt, and shame, carrying thoughts of: “Why didn’t I have a back-up plan? I should’ve known better. I need to be productive”.
I expect more of myself as a Coach. People always come to ME for insights because I’m supposed to be the expert. So how come now I’m so lost for words and a way forward?
As I beat myself up more and more, I can feel myself resisting. Resisting to surrender to my new reality and this new set of feelings.
I find myself thinking out of frustration: “World, give me a minute to take this in! I don’t want to be a coach right now. I don’t have any insights. I don’t want to be productive or see the opportunity in this new normal.”
As I’m wallowing through the mud of this new life and this inner tantrum, I suddenly feel a sigh of relief. I don’t want to be superwoman with everything all figured out. I’m giving myself permission to be imperfect, to have the time and space to process our new reality.
I’ve taken a step into the chaos within me, allowing myself to feel and acknowledge every emotion and be okay with not being okay. Working through this, I start to feel the warming familiarity of self-compassion and self-acceptance, surrendering to the fact that Rona has turned our lives upside down.
19ish to 30ish – Choice and integration
I’ve realized that I have space in my calendar to slow down. I’ve started asking myself the right questions – how can I work with what I have? What do I have control over? What can help me re-center?
I am leaning into my support system and what I’ve been learning and teaching throughout the years and am able to reframe my current situation. Today my daily routine looks very different to how it was at the start of this pandemic.
I was reminded of a quote by Viktor Frankl “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” How beautiful is that?
My focus isn’t about finding the right solution but to be at choice, how freeing is that? That is what I have control over. I don’t know what all of this has in store for us, so what I am choosing to focus on is this present moment and how I want to respond.
I can’t say I’ve figured it all out. I still find myself yo-yoing back and forth, up and down. But the difference now is that I am aware and at choice. There isn’t a formula that works for everyone – this isn’t a normal let alone a linear process.
I am still processing and realizing that this whole situation is about us surrendering to it and not fighting it. We need to acknowledge we are suffering as a collective. This isn’t as simple as just being positive, that’s utopian given such obscure circumstances.
This is a collective trauma – a crisis – and our world is suffering a systematic grief and loss. Our autonomic nervous system is trying to cope and self-regulate this huge sense of threat and so it’s expected that we have good days and bad days, calm moments and others of extreme worry.
I pray for all of us who are grieving in the midst of this trauma. I pray for those that are struggling. And I pray that we are able to come out the other side stronger, more grateful and more connected.
With love,
Salma xoxo
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